This Too Shall…

I tend to embrace a pretty sunny vibe.   Positive outlooks are my aim.   But this weeked sucks,  (ooo she wouldn’t like that word).   It’s down right inelegant.  I’ve felt it bubbling close to the surface for weeks, and foolishly believed I could ‘busy’ it away.    I was dead wrong.   This won’t slip quietly into the recesses.   This is real, unapologetic, angry, broken hearted grief.  

The truth is, I am far better with vulnerability after I’ve survived the eye of the storm.   Lets reflect back and dissect the lessons.   But today is the heaviest rain and I needed an outlet, because she’s not here to listen.

The three words uttered more this weekend then any other, feel like a hot poker in my chest.   I hate how much it hurts, that I can’t control the visible wince on my face when I’m wished my own Happy Day or how spiteful I feel when I see photos of you and your mother or your children with their grandmother.   I feel robbed.   Mom was such a beacon of goodness in this world, such a spitfire, such a comfort to everyone in her orbit and she should be here trying to justify buying my daughters gifts for Mothers Day.    

I miss her terribly, every day.   But the wave I’m riding currently is massive and crashing.  The tears won’t stop despite my best effort to will them away.  I’m the image of Diane Lane in “Something’s Gotta Give” (if you haven’t seen the movie, add it to your list)   I know it will pass, the water will calm.   The hurt won’t go away, but the tears will dry and the pain will be manageable again.  I’m learning the cycle.   

And I do apologize for selfishly unloading on an otherwise joyful quarantined holiday.   But use my hurt as a reminder that it can all change in an instant, even after a long fight, the end comes quick.  It doesn’t allow you time to check off bucket lists or have eloquent speeches and imparted wisdom.   It’s ugly and draining and heart wrenching and fast.   So please don’t let this weekend pass by without really cherishing the gift of motherhood.   Make sure that every mother, whether seasoned or brand new, whether Betty Crocker or broken hearted,  knows just how loved they are.   

And to all the moms, Happy Mothers Day.